Pope Spatulus III is said to be the worst Pontiff "ever to slouch menacingly in a corner of the Chair of Peter" according to A Short Guide to Catholic Church History (Saint Fidgeta and Other Parodies, 52).


Spatulus was born to a family of decayed Roman nobility in an age when Rome was little more than Khayyam's "battered caravanserai".  His mother, Papella, kept him in a root cellar from age three until his election to pope and turned out (thus said Father Roodscreed) "no better and no worse than one might expect."  At Spumanti, he built a house of beloved rock candy and "took his mistress there for unspeakable rites", and had a dog named Gorgo.  He wanted to be declared an Egyptian deity and dressed up as Amun-Ra.  In the end he was crushed to death by the Curia after promoting six necrophiles and a hat fetishist to the rank of cardinal.


A made-up name based on spatulate (“having a broad, rounded end like a spatula or a spoon”[1]), used presumably because it sounds silly - but realize, according to the Short Guide, there were two popes before him with that name as well. Had Spatulus a record in the Annuario Pontificio, the annual directory of the Holy See that lists all the popes to date[2], his tenure as Pope would fall between John IX (898-900) and Benedict IV (900-903).


  1. Wiktionary: spatulate
  2. Wikipedia: Annuario Pontificio
5. A Short Guide to Catholic Church History

Popes: Spatulus IIISporus VI
Schisms: Grand Central Schism
Heresies: Econophanic HeresyMonophonic HeresyScrupularian Heresy
Old Canards: Pope JoanGalileoAlfred Smith